Remembering My 'Why'

Well... it's been a while. Honestly, the past month or so has been rough for me. I have felt beaten down, and I have really been fighting major imposter syndrome. I haven't felt motivated to write anything, to express myself, here because, well, what's the point? I wanted to keep my head down and just 'do my job' the way everyone expected me to do it...

But that is a poor way to continue in my professional career and personal life. So, I'm breaking my silence for my own sake. I have to be able to express myself in difficult situations if I expect my students to do the same. "Lead by example," if you will. So, let's talk about it.

I'll be honest, I'm in my 2nd year of being an SLP, my 1st year being an official CCC-SLP, so I am still trying to navigate the school setting and find the best way to support students on my caseload. If you've been here awhile, you know that my training and background are in neurogenic disorders for MedSLP settings, such as in-patient rehab, outpatient, acute care, etc. I felt that my first year in the schools went pretty well, and I actually really enjoyed it! Granted, I was thrown into being the only SLP at 3 schools halfway through my Clinical Fellowship Year, which I continued to do during this past fall semester. I think that's why I enjoyed the school setting so much more than I expected; it served as a great challenge and was mentally stimulating.

Fast forward to January of this year. To say I felt blindsided is an understatement... I was informed that some paras in one of my SDC-I classrooms thought that I was 'not doing my job' and that I 'triggered' the students when I walked into the classroom. Hearing the latter statement made my heart absolutely drop. You know those scenes in movies when the main character gets horrible news and the room starts swirling a little and there's that high-pitched ringing blocking out everything else that follows the sharing of the bad news? That's how I felt. To my knowledge, I had done everything to help prevent students from becoming overly dysregulated -- I asked the paras how the student was doing before working with him/her, I asked the student for permission before sitting down, I gave them space when I noticed a change in demeanor, I never pushed them to communicate or 'comply'; I do my very best to be neuro-affirming in my practices. To hear the word 'trigger' being associated with me killed me.

And, don't get me wrong, the former statement accusing me of 'not doing my job' isn't the most ideal. But, if you're an SLP, you know it's not the first time and it won't be the last time. Many don't even know what 'real' (aka evidence-based) speech therapy looks like, but they think they do: constantly drilling language and articulation, constantly talking to the patient, creating all your own materials and games, individual sessions in the speech room. What speech therapy actually looks like: extended wait times, modeling without expectation, connection over compliance, play-based and child-led therapy (yes, even for high schoolers!).

The icing on the cake of this whole situation was that the Special Ed Director was informed of these concerns. It felt like a personal attack on me in my professional setting. I had worked so hard to get to a point in my life where I could help others and make a difference in their lives just to have people tear me down without having the decency to speak with me about it first. I got into the mindset of 'why bother'. Why should I bother spending any extra time I had pushing in to help generalize language across different environments? Why should I bother modeling language and articulation intervention for people who aren't going to do it anyway? Why should I bother giving it my blood, sweat, and tears when no one is going to support language when I'm not in the room?

Because my students deserve it.

That's when I remembered my why.

I chose a helping profession because I wanted to help others. I chose speech-language pathology to help people have a voice. I became an SLP to empower others to be themselves and express themselves, however that may look. I became an SLP for my patients. I'm proud to say that I have supported each and every one of my patients and their families to the best of my abilities, and their individual journeys have changed my life. I couldn't imagine doing anything else in this life.

This post is to serve as a reminder to myself. It's a reminder to check in and remember my 'why' when I start to feel the spinning of the room and the ringing in my ears. I am making a difference. I am changing lives. I am giving a voice to those who need it.

I encourage you to check in with yourself when you notice your motivation declining, or you find yourself with the wind knocked out of your lungs, much like I did. What was your initial 'why' for getting into your profession? Is your 'why' still the same? If it's still the same, but your environment drains you, it might be time for a change of scenery. That's the beauty of being an SLP 😉